Although choosing to stay the same might look easier, but eventually when life gets you to a point where the pain of staying the same becomes too great, you will have no choice but to change, grow and transform. At that point your life, your survival, your future, even your generations to come depend on it.

You will be squeezed, crushed, turned, twisted, marred, reduced, expanded and then “kicked out” of that place you’ve settled in, because the butterfly needs to emerge out of the caterpillar.

The reason we dread change so much is not that we do not want to transform, to upgrade to a higher level of ourselves and to move to the next level of ourselves and our lives. It is the darkness and uncertainty we fear, the limbo, the in-between, the transition when nothing makes sense, where everything is unfamiliar, uncomfortable and unexplainable.

So we keep aborting the process, we take steps forward, thinking we would go straight from one level to another, so when instead of solid ground after lifting our legs from the lower level, we find ourselves in this space that seems like a vacuum, where sometimes it feels like you’re free falling, and other times it feels like you’re being sucked in by quicksand, we run.

A lot of us run out of that space, out of the limbo, out of the transition and back into the comfort of where we were coming from, into the life and pain we are familiar with, even when we know our time in that place, space, mindset, thought process, pain etc has long expired.

We then do the cowardly thing to do, we negotiate downwards with ourselves, we look at the familiarity, and list off all the reasons why we should stick to the comfortable or familiar zone we know, even when it is threatening our lives, future and purpose, though we don’t call it “sticking to the comfort or familiar zone”, we call it “common sense” to feel justified in our decision to stay down there.

The reason we dread change so much is not that we do not want to transform…it is the darkness and uncertainty we fear, the limbo, the in-between, the transition when nothing makes sense…

Common sense is necessary to make daily decisions and go through life as properly as we can, but at this point, we are not exercising common sense, we are implicating common sense and making it a cover up for “coward sense.”

A lot of us do not do this downward negotiation consciously, it is usually the subconscious that is doing it and making that decision for us.

That’s why self awareness is so important, you must get to know yourself intimately, spend time in quietness observing your mind work, spend time reflecting and introspecting, so your conscious mind is aware to an extent of what your subconscious is doing.

When you choose to consciously engage with the transition process, when you understand that like the corn, the darkness and discomfort of the transition is necessary, that the seed might die and rise up as multiple cobs of corn, when you trust that it is in the darkness you discover the light you need to navigate through life, and in the uncertainty, you learn the power of faith that can move anything, you make the process a bit tolerable and you are able to withstand the shocks and adversities that must come as you make your way through.

Let this truth be your comfort through the process; that it will end, that the wilderness is for a season, and that on the other side of every painful or tough transformation process is power, beauty and a dimension of thinking, processing, seeing and doing that you would not have known existed where you were before.

Common sense is necessary to make daily decisions and go through life as properly as we can, but at this point, we are not exercising common sense, we are implicating common sense and making it a cover up for “coward sense.”

The process is hard, painful and can be mind bending but the product, the result, the change in your mindset, the metamorphosis in your beliefs, the increase in your capacity, the courage to dare dream and demand bigger from life, the expansion and flexibility in your thought process, the ability of your mind, the strength of your spirit, the deep rooted confidence and unshakable faith you acquire, the recreation of your entire inner being,

Especially the scars, each one of them represents courage, resilience through the process and wisdom that arises from the journey. Those scars eventually become polished and shine like stars.

When you choose to consciously engage with the transition process…you make the process a bit tolerable and you are able to withstand the shocks and adversities that must come as you make your way through.

So when growth comes knocking, answer its call.

You will know it is growth calling because it will demand of you a level of trust and courage you’ve not had hitherto, and if you don’t answer its call, it will only keep knocking until the pain of remaining the same, of staying where you are eventually becomes unbearable because;

The “legs of the caterpillar” must give way for the “wings of the butterfly.”

The process is hard, painful and can be mind bending but…everything on the other side of the process is beautiful, even the scars you acquired in the process…each one of them represents courage, resilience through the process and wisdom that arises from the journey.

Elizabeth A. Ibiloye.

#musingsofelizabeth 
#embracechange
#transformation
#metamorphosis 
#growth

By the time I was born, he was already a chartered accountant and was not into the shoe making craft again. However, he still had one of his machines, different materials and tool boxes which I loved playing with and of all the tools he had, one of the items that fascinated me was a wooden block shaped just like a shoe.

I remember asking my dad what it was used for, and he said it was used to stretch a shoe if it was tight, so it could accommodate the feet of the owner. My mind at that time could not really understand how that was possible and I would try to figure out how a wooden block could stretch a shoe that already looked formed. As is my desire with a lot of things, I wanted to know not just the what or why, but the how, I wanted to know how the wood could stretch leather. However, it wasn’t until I got older that I understood that leather was pliable and so with time it would yield to the wooden block and stretch in areas the wooden block needed it to.

I remembered my dad’s shoe stretcher when I was reflecting on our human capacity and how life works to increase our capacity. We can be likened to the leather shoes and our purpose in life can be likened to the feet that needs to wear those shoes. Our capacity determines how much we can take in, which in turn determines how much we can put out and so when we get to points in life where we need to take in more so we can put out more, we are faced with wooden blocks.

These blocks represent hard unyielding situations that do not resemble what we look like, they come into our life, sometimes forcefully and at first it looks like we are going to be ripped apart from the pressure these blocks create. We want to scream and say why? this block is painful. We may get to a point where we want that block taken out of us but what we do not understand is that the wood does not yield rather it is the leather that yields. In other words, our purpose does not conform to us, we must conform to it or live an unfulfilled life.

When we understand that the goal of the block is not to tear us apart no matter how painful it is at first, we become proactive in yielding. When we understand that the block is there to stretch us beyond what we can currently take in so we can put out more, we start to look for spots in our leather where we can make room and hence we discover that where we thought we were already fixed, there is space and room for growth.

However, if we do not understand the process and the reason for it, we prolong our days of having the wooden block stay in our shoe. We fail to realize that the owner of the shoe will not take that block out till they get the desired extra room that they want. We fail to see that our purpose will keep inserting those blocks into us because it needs us to contain more and thus yield more or worse, we do not understand that if we forcefully eject that block out of our shoe or close off our shoe from allowing the block in, our capacity is stunted, and we do not produce beyond our current level. Taking such rigid stance against growth only makes us suffer longer or waste our time here on earth.

It can be difficult, but something amazing happens when we totally yield to the process of transformation, when we welcome growth, welcome growing pains and do what we can to make our leather pliable to change and growth. The joy in the pain is discovering a place within us that we did not know existed, discovering our potential to be and do more, discovering how much more we can take and how much more we can put out there. The thing about the stretching experience is it never leaves our shoe size where it started, rather it elevates us to a size bigger. It increases us, sets us along the next part of our path and causes us to operate at a higher dimension than we were used to. When we understand this, we can take the blocks for the increase set ahead of us.

For this reason, I want to encourage everyone who is currently going through blocks that look like they are being ripped apart from the inside, to come to a place of different understanding about what those blocks represent. It is easy to identify blocks because they usually do not make sense or feel right. It is the feeling of hard solid wood against soft pliable leather so they rub every part of you in a way that is unimaginable. However, if you begin to see them as opportunities to be more, you change the game. You know that no matter what happens during the experience, no matter what you feel or go through, the outcome is one; increased capacity. In fact, if you have that mind switch, you can become excited about the prospect of becoming more that you are able to stand firm during the stretching because you know that one day, the blocks will have to come out of your shoes and then you would have increased in a manner that shocks you and people around you, you would have been equipped to take on what is coming on next and much more, you would have learnt how to be resilient when you face another stretching experience.

SHALOM

This is the reason why success and wealth is not skewed in favor of Christians or other religious people simply because of the presence or absence of their religion. God does not work with idle, lazy or careless mindset, so even if you pray 10 times a day, fast 100 days and you do not get some principles right, at best, your results will be sub-optimal.

You do not have to be the first or most intelligent, you just have to be willing to be principled.

One of the principles of nature that I have been studying and observing is the law of cause and effect. This law states that for every effect, there is a cause and for every cause, there is an effect.

There is so much to learn about this law and sometimes, it can sound weird but one of the summaries of this law is that;

INTENTIONS or THOUGHTS creates ACTIONS or CAUSES which in turn creates a REACTION or EFFECT.

In essence, a reaction or effect is not just created by an action, rather its creation starts from the intention behind the action.

This is clearly demonstrated in the foundation of Christianity; for God so loved (intention or thought) that He gave his only begotten son (action or cause) therefore believing in Him grants eternal life (reaction or effect). Essentially our choice to submit to God is a response to God’s love and not just Christ’s death. That love (intention) is what created the sacrifice (action) that leads to our reaction.

I was jogging a while ago and meditating/thinking at the same time, and I remembered I Corinthians 13: 3. This was the verse my dad used to teach me about INTENTION. That day, we were discussing something, I can’t remember what exactly, but then he told me to get my bible out and read this verse. This is a verse I am very familiar with, as I have been taught about how love was important with it. However that day, my dad’s focus was on the paradox in that verse.

He said Ayooluwa, consider the contradiction, that a person could give all their goods to the poor, a person could give up their body to be burned and still NOT have love. He said when you think about it logically, to give up all your goods to the poor, to give yourself to be burned can be considered an extreme show of goodness, of generosity, of selflessness etc but do not be deceived, all of this can be done without love, that is, without the right intention. Sometimes the intention can be as simple as wanting to create a certain perception or reputation of being nice to wanting to place yourself like a savior or martyr or whatever.

He then went on to tell me; you have to get to a point where you are not moved just by a person’s words or actions, because you should know that a nice person is not necessarily a kind person.
Niceness is action, Kindness is intention. Kindness can birth niceness but niceness is not always a result of kindness.
What you should look and strive for is kindness.

He said this is the same reason why some people can use this bible in your hand to create love and liberty in people or to create bondage and oppression.
What matters is the intention of the person using it. Same thing, different intentions, different effect. (Cause and effect).

I did not really assimilate this lesson at that point in my life, as at that time, I could not fully relate to what he was saying, but with growth and life experiences, that lesson clicked. I have come to learn that a lot of times, we can be carried away by people’s words and/or actions. Some people even say, I do not look at words, I look at actions but I say the effect of a word or an action is dictated by the intention, and that is why it is important to consider intentions.

Intentions can be tricky to figure out, because they are usually beneath the words and actions, and when we isolate just words or just actions or just both, we can make mistakes or judge an action wrongly. A simple example is the effect criticism produces (I know there are overly sensitive people who do not respond to criticism well, but taking those people aside). The action of criticism in itself is not the problem, the intention behind it is what matters. That is what creates the effect of pulling a person up or pushing a person down.

A lot of us subconsciously understand intention but we do not consciously use it. It is the reason why, for example as a lady, your friend can tell you; “I think you should change your shirt” and a part of you can almost tell if she is saying it because she thinks the shirt does not flatter you and she thinks you can look better, or she is saying it because she thinks you look so good in the shirt and she does not want you to “outshine” her. No matter her intention, her words remain the same, however when you take intention into play, your reaction to change or not change that shirt is not just driven by what she said, rather it is driven by why she is saying it.

I think that in order to have a purposeful and successful life or relationship with people, we must consider the intentions of people we allow close to us. We must exercise wisdom and study patterns of their words and actions before we know where to place their actions, since these people will directly or indirectly influence at least some of our decisions.

This is part of the reason why people will say quality over quantity, I think this should also apply to the people we keep in our lives. “Be courteous to all but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.” is a good advice. This is because we do not have the capacity to keep up with the intention of people, we are not mind readers and it takes wisdom, awareness, intuition and studying to understand a person’s intention.

If your boat is not going to sink, you have to be sure no one in it is punching holes for water to come in.
The eagerness or niceness of a person to help you row your boat can make you overlook so many other things, and before you realize it, there are so many holes in your boat, you are sinking. The sad part is some of these people will then pretend to help you save the boat. It becomes a case of the person giving you allergy medicine for your allergies is actually the allergen.

I can go on and on but the summary of what I am trying to say is this;

1. Consider that words and actions are not enough to judge a person. Their patterns and their intention is very important.
2. Get Wisdom. The bible was not joking when it said wisdom is the principal thing. Solomon sure knew what he was saying when he asked God for wisdom. Pray, ask God, think, observe, read, study, learn, observe, think.
3. Decide to be intentional in your actions. Understand that your intentions, whether conscious or subconscious creates certain effects in your life. Be clear about why you are doing what you are doing as this helps to eliminate many unnecessary actions and reactions.
4. Be very intentional about the people you allow close to you, to speak over you, to guide and direct you, to row your boat with you etc. Some of the effect in your life is created by these people’s action which is directly related to their intention whether positive or negative.

Learn how to build boundaries for every single area of your life.

Boundaries not walls.

The day I stopped allowing the opinions of people matter so much was the day I started to discover the loudness of the still small voice that lived on my inside.
The realization of how much external noise and filters affected my ability to communicate authentically with my inner guide was so profound that it became clear that people were entitled to their opinion but I was much more entitled to accept or reject that opinion.

But my biggest breakthrough came

The day I decided I would stop being a people pleaser! That was one of the hardest decisions for me to make, because at my core, I enjoy doing things for people but I had to draw a line, because people pleasing will have you continuously morphing yourself into something else just to please others, and if you end up in the hands of people who take advantage of that, it is only a matter of time before you morph into something or someone that even you cannot recognize, in order to meet their selfish agenda, essentially you become a “shadow of your former self.”

I have and I am still learning to find the balance between helping people and enabling people, between giving and receiving, between saying yes and saying no etc.

At the end of the day, no one can choose you better than you choose yourself, no one can value you better than you value yourself, no one can treat you better than you treat yourself.

You set the standard for how you are treated.
If you find yourself in a situation where you are consistently mistreated, perhaps it is time to do a life audit. It is time to take your focus off the person(s) who is mistreating you and start to ask yourself;

“How may I have contributed to this situation?”
“Where did I set the bar for acceptable treatment?”
“What makes it possible for me to attract such situation?”
“How have I enabled such person(s)?”
“Where did I fail to set a boundary or draw a line?”
“What insecurity or fear caused me to continously accept such treatment?”
“What red flags or warning signs did I miss or ignore?” etc

It is in the answer to these questions that you find the solution.

It is in taking responsibility for your role in how your life has been overwhelmed by people’s actions, behaviors, opinions and expectations that you begin to “reclaim your life.”

When you finally decide to deliver yourself from people.
Your life becomes much more peaceful, healthy and purposeful.
You stop worrying.
Your thoughts, patterns and behaviors begin to occur on such a high positive vibrational frequency that toxic people have no choice but to draw back or fall off because they simply cannot function properly on a positive clean wavelength.

Best of all, you start to truly enjoy your life irrespective of challenges, you start to feel the beauty in life irrespective of the ugly, you approach things with zeal and my own personal experience and favorite, you “fall in love with Mondays”

P.S: to fall in love with Mondays is to find purpose, meaning and service in the work you do, no matter how tough or challenging.