When I started off at Uni, I had these spots all over my legs. My skin spots and scars easily and so any insect bite or wound was sure to leave a mark, and soon my legs were decorated with all these black spots against my brown skin. I had just made a new friend and she would repeatedly tell me to wear long skirts and dresses so I could cover my spots since I did not wear trousers/pants at that time. I could not understand why she was so concerned for me and felt hiding my spots were in my best interests in terms of looking beautiful, so I told her I was going to wear what I wanted and if anyone felt uncomfortable seeing my legs, then they simply needed to look away. I continued to wear my knee length skirts and only wore ankle length skirts whenever I felt like. When I look at old pictures, I realize the spots really looked bad…
I once met a guy who could not stop commenting about the stretch marks on my arms. He would say I needed to wear clothes that cover them up or get creams that were made to clear stretchmarks, and I would sit across him looking at all the physical flaws I could count from where I sit, and would be amused that he was so concerned about my stretch marks. I honestly tried to see things from his view, I tried to understand why he was so disturbed by them and hence felt I needed to always cover them or buy special creams for them but I could not understand him, so when he realized I was not moved by his comments, he stopped talking about it. He eventually turned out to be a douchebag with superficial and shallow content. I guess I should have known…
Somewhere along the line, it occurred to me that I had become the girl who now wore “long skirts” to hide her spots and slathered on harmful creams to “clear stretchmarks”. I am not referring to my spots and marks literally, I am saying I started to develop a mindset and attitude that was tied to pleasing people, conforming to what people wanted, wanting to do all I can to make others like me or consider me good enough and soon I was becoming a slave to people’s opinions, wishes and desires.
The thing about this is, there is usually no end to how far you will have to hide yourself, slice yourself or break yourself to satisfy people, and should you ever find yourself in a place where the people want you to fit a certain broken down standard, they will not stop chipping at you until you become just that. Eventually, you will have two choices, conform totally and be a permanent broken down slave to their wants and desires or decide you would no more be ruled by what people want and you will cast off the heavy cloak of people pleasing.
Is this not the reality of a lot of us, we walk around with the burden of trying to be who others want us to be, trying to make other people like us, trying to perform enough to earn validation, trying to make ourselves good enough in the eyes of people and soon we find ourselves “bleached” to the max with damaged skin, in the name of “clearing stretchmarks” and our “skirts” keep getting longer and longer, in the name of hiding spots that they start to make us trip and fall.
Where does it end?
Where do people end and where do you begin?
This is not saying do not improve on what can be improved on, as I have since done my best to work on those spots and marks but I am doing them for myself, at my own pace and with items I know are not harmful to my skin. I still have some of the spots on my legs and my arms are still decorated with the marks, they are just lighter and look somewhat better I guess.
The problem with trying to change or “become better” comes when we do it solely for people’s validation or approval. We start to wire our minds to say except this person says this or this person likes this, I am not okay, I am not good enough and we literally become “slaves”.
We start working overtime to please our “masters” but the more we do, the more we have to do and we keep loading ourselves till we can no longer identify ourselves or till the day our “camel’s back” break.
Where does it end?
At what point do you start to decide you are not going to be bound by what people think, say or want. At what point do you say I am enough, flaws and all and if I am going to work to improve on myself or change something, it will be because I want to be a higher version of myself and not a donkey held by the rope of people pleasing.
I have lived both sides of the fence and I can tell you, it might actually look easier to do all you can for people’s validation but eventually you will get exhausted, and the sad part is who you are called to be is contingent on who you are not who you contort yourself to be, so you can be validated by the same people who desire to keep breaking you down.
Many people will complain that they do not know their purpose, they are not living the life they want and feel like they have lost hopes and dreams, and I am staring at whatever represents your “bleached skin” and “maxi length” skirts and I am asking
Where are you?
I don’t see you,
I see a map of other people’s opinions, ideas and desires.
I see a person so fragmented into all these pieces from the different people, opinions and desires they are trying to conform to.
I see a person who has become progressively weaker, confused and out of touch with themselves and their inner being.
The road to becoming who you’re meant to be is knowing who you are, and dealing with your flaws to make yourself better and stronger. It is dependent on your ability to affirm and validate yourself, it is dependent on you coming to a deep understanding that you are good enough even if no one tells you or worse, people try to tell you otherwise.
You see, these people you are trying to please are as broken and fragmented as you are, also bound by trying to be like others, please others or make other people like them, so the best they can do is project these insecurities on you and put you in an insecure state and you go about spreading that behavior like a contagious disease.
Something beautiful happens when you dare to find your voice, when you dare to cut off every desire for validation and approval, when you die to the criticism and applause of men. Something beautiful happens and it is called authentic empowerment, it is going back to live according to the design God made for you, it is a form of factory reset.
Authentic empowerment is the kind of power that fills you with clarity and confidence about your path and purpose. It is the kind of power that keeps your light on because you are living as you and not as pieces of others. It is at this point that you do not seek to be someone else other than you, neither do you try to break others down. You step out of being infected by other people and you are not infectious to others.
It may be tough getting there but it’s a beautiful place to be, and the only place I know that you can be empowered enough to live out your purpose, to please God and provide humanity with your highest service.
At one point, you have to make the decision and simply say I am enough, I will work on becoming better but it would no longer be about trying to please other people.
At that point, you open up the floodgates to all things called your passion and purpose.
At that point, you sit in harmony with yourself, one with who God made you to be, flowing like a river irrespective of the rocks, daring to live out the script of your own life.
#musingsofelizabeth
#reformedpeoplepleaser
#factoryreset